The weekend was basically spent waiting for Monday and the UltraSound scan that was going to determine my fate (cue the melodramatic music!). Cooked, did stuff, worried, called M&D, not much else. Very worried.
Monday arrived and we toddled down to SF - I drove so as to keep my mind engaged on something. Admittance was a bit odd, the guy spent most of his time ignoring me and just clicking around his screen - maxed out the Benny card with the cost of the procedure - we need to get some cash together!
Procedure passed without incident - they let Jean into the room, so I got a hug before they put me under, which was nice! Woke up and got the news that:
It's a tumour.
It's at stage T3.
It needs to be shrunk.
It needs to be removed.
The drive home was quiet and tense, neither of us are looking forward to the next few weeks. I want to get on with getting this thing sorted.
Dr Akhtar had mentioned a trial that they would like me to be a part of, however, having read through the details, it really doesn't appeal - there would be only chemo-therapy, no radiation, but the treatment period would be twice as long before the operation. It was really stressing me out just thinking about it. I emailed him with some questions, but didn't really get a straight answer.
On Tuesday, I got a call from the Cancer center in Rohnert Park, over the road from the old Cross-check office and we arranged a "get to know you" meeting for Wednesday afternoon. I tried to message and call Jean to make sure that there was nothing clashing with that, but couldn't get through - that and a couple of work-related things caused me to start panicking a bit, just starting to feel out of control. Jean phoned a short while later and I managed to reach a private office down the corridor before I burst into tears!
First time I've cried.
Felt bad for Jean having to deal with me in hysterics. I'm trying to be strong. I'm not strong!
Tuesday evening, we agreed that we should let Finn know what is going on. He already suspected and had been asking me why I was sad. I really blew it, though! He was getting Ice Cream and I was tidying the kitchen and I just started blurting it out without Jean even being in the room. I think he took it pretty well, considering, but I really should have done a better job of it!
This morning on the way to school, he gave me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, which almost set off the waterworks again!
I filled in Shane and Darlene on the latest updates - they have both been really supportive. I mentioned working from home and Shane said "Of course!" like it was no problem, but I am not convinced that HR will be so accommodating. He told me to talk to HR to make sure that I am still covered by FMLA, which I should do, but can't face right now.
Next up today will be the meeting in Rohnert Park - WooHoo - we are due there at 2:00!
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